650,000hours...

Hide and seek...

2012-01-27T18:02:00.000-08:00

As she stepped outside looking stealthily this way and that, she realised she had never really done this before. As much as she loved airports, she never thought she would be exploring every nook and cranny of one in a strange land far away in a third world nation. This was a trip under wraps, a few days of each other in a strange land- that was the plan. They both had reasons for not telling various people and this meant making sure they were not seen. But life has its own way of shaking up the box. Someone they knew, a common acquaintance was arriving the same day at that same airport, and was on the same flight with him.

As she stepped out of the airport, looking for a safe spot to wait out for him, she found herself suddenly excited. It was the excitement of being somewhat of a celebrity( who was trying to hide from the mob) for those few minutes as she wrapped a scarf around her head and dawned her sun glasses on that cloudy day. She caught herself chuckling even as she realised how much fun this was.

As she waited there that day, memories came flooding back of all those times they had snuck around like teenagers, worrying someone would see them somewhere. Although there does come an odd feeling of security in being ambiguous to the rest of the world. As he finally came out that day, and found her after looking past her twice, they laughed about the hiding and the running away. Simple, straightforward meeting at an airport, now a fond memory and something that will make her smile everytime she thinks of that day.

The third date...

2011-05-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

It was her third date with him. She had been seeing his father for six months now and two weeks ago she met him for the very first time. Timid, yet trying to be brave, loving yet trying to be cold, this little boy barely spoke to her on the first date, he was almost avoiding eye contact like a shy teenager. He would look at her whenever she looked at his dad, somewhere in his mind trying to compare this to the way his mom looked at his dad.
It had been two years since his mom died, and although he didn't remember much about her, he did remember that she was what his dad loved most in the world. But now it was her. Whenever his dad looked at her they would lock eyes for minutes on end and it was as if he could see nothing else when she was around. She somehow brought out the same love in his dad's eyes, the kind that mom did. But she was new and what worried him most was that his dad might love her more than him and they might forget all about him in the pursuit of a new life.
And so she arrived, at the coffee shop just when he was intently playing a game on his dad's new ipad 2. A minute later she and his dad were trying to share a quiet moment right behind his back as he poured over the ipad. Although they were being discrete, he knew exactly what was going on, he was seven, not stupid. Father and son rarely went out without her these days or so it seemed to him, more often than not lately. He expected her to start talking to his dad now and then dad would forget all about him. But she spoke to him instead. Or at least she tried to. His dad then offered the game to her and she started to play. You could tell it wasn't even an educated attempt, she surely had no idea of what she was doing. She looked at his dad for a little help, when he surprisingly stepped up and started to deliver instructions on how to play. Suddenly there was a conversation. Within minutes they were laughing together about how studpid she was and how horribly she played the first round.
It was their third date, he took a little longer to melt than his father did. But she had hope now. She could tell that this was going to become a very interesting revelation, a different kind of relationship, something she was not ready for at all, but was looking forward to immensely.

Hiding...

2011-04-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

It was nearly six pm now, she had looked at her watch four times in the last ten minutes, knowing that she had to leave on the dot. She was meeting him at six twenty at a place not very far from here. It was the usual place, the safe place, the familiar dark place, the familiar happy place. They usually met at this quiet little bar down the corner, halfway from both their offices. It was a safe place, since no one she knew ever really went there. The only familiar face was the owner of the bar, he knew them well and could tell they came there to hide. How strange these past two years had been, the lying, the sneaking around and the tense moments when she thought she had been discovered. But in these two years there was also the excitement, the intrigue and the passion that he brought to her life. She waited every month for the last week, which was when he would visit and she would lose herself. This man was drawn to her and became even more interested when he found out she was not available. He was everything that she longed for, everything that she no longer had with her partner. The only thing she shared with her partner was the roof they lived under, he was away every three or four days on business trips and even if he was in town, he would invariably be working late. She was longing to fill that void of desperate loneliness and unfulfillment that characterised her marriage for the past three years.

Five years ago, his career took a turn for the better, and he allowed work to engulf his entire life. Working late was the norm and he usually preferred to miss the odd social obligation and usually cancelled on plans with her at the last minute. Something always came up at work and it was her, he knew she would understand. It wasn't until the day he stumbled upon an email she had written, that he realised how far she had actually drifted. It was the most wonderful letter, filled with love, anticipation and passion - but it wasn't addressed to him. Life was not waiting for him like he thought it would. He thought about confronting her on many occasions and it was now six months since the day of that letter. On the last week of every month he knew she would be working late, sometimes even until the wee hours. While he always pretended to be asleep when she returned, he never really got much sleep at all during those weeks. Asking her though, meant having to hear her say it and he feared nothing more than hearing it from her. But how long would he keep the silence?

And how long would she play this game?

Wake up, my darling...

2011-02-06T03:05:00.000-08:00

It was nearly 4 pm, he was writing the final words on a report and aiming to leave work early. Just about a week ago, he would have been excited about the prospect of going home early, but not on this day. Normally they would both plan to be back early so they could cook dinner together or just cozy up on the couch and do everything but talk. Today it was different. A week ago on this day, he realised she had lied to him. It was because she cared, she said, because she didn't want to see him upset. For him though, it was just all about the lie. How was he going to get past this, if at all...

Ever since that day, he made sure that he did not really run into her at home, coming home late and leaving early, even before she rose. But how long could it go on like this. She was crushed by his indifference and this was weighing heavily on her. She was disoriented at work and people kept pointing out how she seemed totally out of sorts. As she left the house that morning, she was walking down the road to hail a cab when she turned to cross the road without looking back. Her disorientation turned to unconsciousness in a flash. Ten minutes later she was on her way to a hospital with a shop owner who saw this happen. He managed to call her office and some of her collegues rushed to the hospital immediately.

It was nearly four pm, when one of her collegues managed to reach him. Going home early was no longer an option, he rushed down to the hospital feeling completely shaken. Remorse, guilt, anxiety and panic, all took over at the same time. She was expected to remain unconscious for the next three days, doctors were not very hopeful. As he sat there, in hope, waiting and pleading quietly, he realised how much he wanted to hear her laugh again. He remembered the first time they were out on a date. He loved the way she laughed, carefree and totally spontaneous and over the years it was this quality that he fell in love with. What he would give, to have her laugh again. After nearly 8 hours of waiting, the doctors cam around to say that her pulse was improving and that she may come around within the next twenty four hours. One more day of anticipation and patience...one more day...

Silent company...

2010-06-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

There she was again, watching the boats go by as she sat by the river that cold winter morning. She made a promise to herself three years ago when she left, that she would come back as soon as she could. She promised to watch the boats again and sit by the river as she used to. She kept her promise. It was like a home coming in some ways, to this place that had been her home for two long years. Far away from her home country, but more familiar than any other place she'd seen in the last five years.

Just as she threw a few crumbs of her Snickers bar to the pigeons near by, he sat down beside her on the same bench. She was about to frown at him for invading her space, when there were many other benches he could have sat on. She looked at him for a bit and then away and then back at him again.He seemed to not notice her at all. Staring away at the bridge in the distance, he sat there, still, just staring. she tried to engage the birds more actively in an effort to break his peace and make him realize that he was bothering her by being around. Wasted effort this was as he did not even flinch or acknowledge that there was another human being beside him.

She was trying to forget the last two years and focus on the fact that she was back here, in this place that she so loved. Pride always got the better of her and she refused to be the one who got up from the bench and continued to sit there, while mentally complaining about this stranger who was sharing her space. After what seemed like forty five minutes, he asked if she came here often. Surprised by the sudden ackknowlegement of her presence and annoyed by the liberty he was taking to talk to her, she politely explained that she was just visiting the country. Hearing her but not really listening, he began to tell her how life had changed for him that day.

Just that morning he had returned from one of his business trips, a couple of days earlier than he had planned to. Intending to surprise his wife in an effort to bring back romance into their existence, he was welcomed by the sight of her with another man on their bed. This more than explained why they hadn't been connecting for a while now and why she just seemed less interested in him, but that it had been going on for over a year came as a complete shock to him. At this point he just stopped talking.

She tried to ask him some questions, which he didn't reply to. She tried to offer some words of comfort which he did not acknowledge. So she sat there, still, and continued to feed the pigeons. She began to realise that he needed her space, he needed to not be alone. Although he didn't want to talk, he needed her there. So she sat there, until he eventually got up and walked away. She called out goodbye as he went away, but he just kept walking. She decided however to come back here the next day, just incase he came back too and needed to talk or just be heard or just be provided some silent company.

One morning in February...

2010-05-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

They woke up one morning, his arms around her with her head tucked right below his. Gentle smiles on their faces and their eyes still closed as they snuggled even closer to each other. Not so long ago, they were telling each other how best they could get their girlfriend or boyfriend to give in and commit. And yet here they were now, not needing anyone else except each other.

She rose first, as she did on most days, went ahead to freshen herself, after which she headed straight to the kitchen for some coffee. As she made her way around the counter, she found that she was so comfortable in his shirt, it smelled like him and all she needed was that one piece of clothing since it covered her right up to her knees.

Everything was right where it was, for a guy he was pretty organised around the kitchen. There was some wholewheat bread on the counter and butter scotch flavoured cereal. Wanting to devour all, she settled for one slice of bread to go with the coffee and perched herself on the window sil with her legs pressed up against the glass. The rain had been at work all night and that left the morning pleasant, green and romantic, just the kind she liked waking up to. As she watched the metro go by in the distance far below, she remembered another time back in another country where she would be on the metro every day even before the sun rose. It seemed like a lifetime ago, every day rushing to get somewhere, so she could rush to do something, and she now had no idea why it was such a rush back then.

After what seemed like a half hour, she got off from her window seat. He had already managed to mobilize himself from the bed to the couch, although no other activity was accomplished in between. He usually needed a good fifteen minutes on the couch every morning before he could wake up for real. Although today, he was quite awake and had been looking at her for a while now. As she sat down beside him on the couch, they snuggled in the glory of togetherness some more. Many hugs and kisses later, it was time to go, they both had jobs that needed them.

While she was getting dressed and as she looked for the right earings that morning, she came across a pair she hadn't seen in a while. They were a gift from another guy she dated and although she got rid of most things he gave her, those earings were too pretty to give up. She put them on, thinking back to another time again, flashes of him coming back to her now and at some level, a little residual emotion was trying to surface. It's amazing how two tiny inanimate things can bring back so much. She could feel the familiar unsettling that characterised her time with that man. Almost immediately, the earings went back into the box. They were pretty, so they wont be thrown, but they were still too familiar to be worn again, ever.

Just another day?

2009-10-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

She picked her usual spot with a full view of the tarmack. A glass of hot chocolate with a banana muffin, comfort food at seven in the morning before she boarded for a five hour flight. Today was one of those days when hot chocolate was needed, a masala chai or a latte would just not do it for her. And yes, it was a day for banana muffin and not a salad or a bagel. She was flying out after an oppressive week at work. As she sat there sipping on her cuppa choc, she remembered the first time they had had coffee together. It was at starbucks, he had quipped about how the cups were so large but were never more than half full. And she had condescendingly added, that it was as expected considering that it was infact starbucks. Today seemed different though, her glass was nearly full and her muffin extremely satisfying although her mind was weirdly unsettled. She had this feeling every now and then before something strange happened. She wondered what it was going to be this time around.

Page 69 and Friedman was detailing the strangeness of the Lebanese landscape, when suddenly she was jolted out of her middle eastern imagination by a hand from behind her that threw in a bookmark on her page. Startled and annoyed at the same time, she turned around and annoyance changed to absolute astonishment. Speechless for over a minute, she finally brought herself to ask him what in the world he was doing there, where he was going and where he had been. Too many questions, she did not know where to begin. He smiled at her like he always did, re-assuringly, and went around to sit beside her. They spent the next five minutes in silence, not knowing what to say or how to say it.

Five years, an affair, a sea change in career and many cigarette packs later, he had seen her again. Life had not changed much for her, except that he hadn't been in it and work had taken up so much of her time, she just could not do without it now. They had fought over the same issues too many times, compatability was all too often a bone of contention for them. But was it the fighting that ended it,she had always wondered. He knew why he had done what he did. He had to leave her then, had to take that job in Barcelona, it was everything he had wanted then. Ambition can sometimes take over so entirely, that there is no room left for tenderness and love. But she represented something that he had not seen or felt in years now, a sense of belonging. Sitting there with her brought back all those warm feelings of a perfect life.

She was recalling all the rehearsals she went through for this very day. There was so much she had planned to say to him, she had to give hima piece of her mind, but sitting there across from him, she could not bring herself to speak. Should she have said that he had no right to just walk out on her? Should she have told him how she had completely lost respect for him? Should she have just got up and walked away or should she actually consider putting it all behind her and being kind again. Knowing she had about fifteen minutes to finish this or start it before she boarded, she took another sip of the chocolate...what should she do?

Her cause...

2009-03-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

She looked away after what seemed like an eternity. The last twenty minutes had been spent convincing and reminding him of what they had done just the day before. He insisted on visiting the same place again, having no recollection of the fact that they were actually there just yesterday. Yes he had issues like all of us do, his was old age. Her's was dealing with him.

Ironically he was the same person who remembered every little thing twenty six years ago. He' even remind her of things she happily let slip and often chided her for being forgetful.

She stared out of the window as she composed herself and reminded herself to relax. Just then they walked in hand in hand and found seats just across from her. Their hands were interlocked as they shared one set of ear plugs and her head leaned on his shoulder. Not speaking much, but evidently excited about their new found togetherness, this young couple was both amusing and bordering on ridiculous to her eyes.

As she watched them share their moment of dazed excitement, she remembered the magic of her time with him and how far they had come in the last two decades. She still loved him, not quite in the same way or with the same passion, but she did. His was a cause she had signed up for, and she just wasn't a quitter.

Holding back...

2008-11-24T08:07:00.000-08:00

Her eyes gave away what she was trying so desperately to hide. Biting her lips hard, holding back what was visibly a barrage of emotions, she sat there squeezing her bag and tensing her shoulders. She was trying hard to put up a strong front. There might have been a cheating husband, a marriage gone bad, a difficult child or a lost love behind this turmoil. Whatever it was, it was the kind that hurt hard and the kind that you couldn't just get over or get rid of overnight.

As she looked up and down, straight at me and then away again, she knew I could see right through her. She knew I could tell, despite her continuous effort to conceal.
She began to purse her lips and bite them in alternation. Her eyes were craving rest and her mind was craving peace. She knew she had to find these herself as they were not going to find her.

There's always an anxiety that comes over you when you realize how visible your pain is and when you can see it through the eyes of another. You feel weak, vulnerable and at some level quite pathetic and this leads to a mounting and unsettling anxiety. Her eyes began to glaze and I could tell she couldn't hold up much longer. I could tell she really needed someone to talk to. She got up at this point to get off at her stop. She looked at me one last time, almost defiantly and then walked out. It was then that it occured to me that she reminded me of someone from not too long ago. As I remembered and looked back, I was taken over by that same unsettling anxiety.

Thoughts and sentiments...

2008-11-24T07:48:00.000-08:00

A dear friend once said, 'anyone can love anyone else in this world, it all depends on the time, circumstances and how much they want it'. Two people can go from hating each other to loving each other very quickly and sometimes it's hard to explain why. But how would you explain staying in love with someone forever. Some people just touch our lives in ways that cannot be replaced by others, despite being presented the same circumstances or seemingly the right time.

Relationships are complicated and this is what makes them fundamentally challenging. Some of us shy away from complication for reasons we cannot explain to ourselves, let alone others. Some others have become so intensely occupied with the efforts of self preservation that they have forgotten how to be sensitive to other people. And some of us strangely battle an external acceptance of change and of life's constancy to surprise whilst internally we hold on to the ideals of selfless love where you do anything for the ones you love and will give anything just to see them again. There is so much in life to scale and achieve and each of us creates our own path of adventure as we go along. But sometimes it's important to just stop and take a long hard look at what we really want. Sometimes it's important to make a little more effort to let the people we love know just how much we actually adore them.

Saying goodbye...

2008-08-12T02:52:00.000-07:00

He came home that evening, pensive and strangely anxious. The family did not make much of it, but she knew. She knew it was going to happen soon. She was living with them ever since her parents moved away. Her father had been transfered on work and she had another year of college to go. He'd rather she stay at their place, his best friend's house, than shack up in some hostel. So her home for the past six months and the rest of the year would be this one, where she met him, the love of her life. Suddenly coming home to do school work was more exciting than ever. She hung out less with her friends at university and spent more time watching evening television with the family and of course, him. But there was always fear. At the back of her mind she knew they would call one day and he'd have to go. He would have to answer to his country and do the right thing. He knew that too and the one thing he dreaded most was telling her.

That night, after dinner, he asked to sit down with everyone, his parents, two sisters and her. He broke the news to them and held back as each of them expressed their shock and anger that he hadn't mentioned it when he first knew which was a week ago. He had to report the next day at noon and was telling them tonight. In his defence he said that he just couldn't deal with prolonging goodbyes and mounting anxiety. So he had decided to give them very short notice.

She was upset, but knew him too well to expect anything else. If anything, she knew that telling her was the hardest thing for him. So she said goodbye to him like everyone else did and went to bed as usual with his sisters, who she was sharing a room with.

That night, after everyone was asleep, she did something she had never done before. She snuck into his room as quietly as possible. At first, she just stood there for a while and watched him asleep. Then she slowly went near him and stroked her hand lovingly across his cherubic face. He always looked like a baby when he was asleep. He stirred immediately and looked up at her both sad and pleasantly surprised. As she began to speak, he pulled her closer to him and silenced her with a kiss. She got into the blaket with him and they hugged each other so tight, she began to cry. Desperately as she cried that night, she wished she could die right there in his arms, or never have to let him go.

Strange people...strange ways.

2008-05-31T08:07:00.001-07:00

He was temperamental, strangely fussy and barely easy if ever. She was patient, understanding and efficient. Theirs was an unusual association. She knew at the end of the day that he means well and he knew at some level that she understood that. Often she discounted his raving and ranting on account of him being older and more experienced. She was always able to see beyond his eccentric exterior and she knew that inside he was just a perfectionist waiting for his perfect world. They had their moments of elation when things went well and when things were more stressful than ever, they pulled together and brought everyone else around as well. More often than not they saw eye to eye on situations and events that really mattered and together they made a great team.

Then one day, she had to leave. She said to him that this was what she had to do, that she had given it a great amount of thought and it was a hard decision for her to make. She explained that it was the right thing for her to do as she had to move on in life. His face fell. Suddenly he seemed twenty years younger. He refused to see why she had to go and was surprised that she was leaving earlier than expected. He behaved like he was being deceived. She was taken aback by his denial of things and his near childish reaction to the situation. She knew he would not be as understanding as the others, but this she didn’t expect.

She was all set to leave. She spent the last day making sure that the wheels were well oiled before she left. Friends shared lighter moments remembering old times whilst wishing her well and hugging her every five minutes. He left unusually early that day without saying goodbye. When she realized he was gone, it was too late. She was hoping he’d at least say goodbye and good luck. She certainly didn’t expect him to be gushing with emotion but this disappearance was totally uncalled for. She expected him to be more mature about the situation. Once again knowing him for what he is, she sent him a text later to say goodbye and how much she would miss everyone. There was no reply. She was appalled by his complete denial of things. She realized though that this was his loss and not hers. She had to move on and she did.

The last ride...

2008-05-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

He woke up that morning eager, excited and happy. It was a Sunday. It was his day to do exactly what he wanted and with whom he wanted. He decided to take his new bike out on a longer ride than usual. Out of the city to a nearby resort town to catch up with a few fun friends and lots of interesting conversation. This was the order of the day. Soon, he was on the main link highway going out of the city. His friends had gone ahead of him, two days ago. So on this ride he was all by himself. He quite enjoyed this though, with the wind on his face and cool drops of an impending shower making this journey a lot more romantic. After a week of long hours and stressful chaos, this was exhilerating. He was listening to Maroon 5, to the song his girlfriend used to like. He smiled just thinking of her and remembering some of the great times they'd had together. He was just 6 miles away from the first checkpoint when it happened. There was a sudden turn of scenery. Skin and muscle were ravaged between metal weight and concrete. The last thing he remembered was letting out a desperate screeching cry. He didn't make it past that checkpoint that morning. And he didn't make it to the resort that day....
It was 8 a.m. the next morning. An unforgiving Monday morning, as usual, where getting out of bed feels like you're being sent to the gallows. She was in the shower when she heard a message received on her cell phone. Drying herself a few minutes later, she came to her phone to check the message. They said he was gone. At 25, he was gone, a bike accident on a Sunday morning. He was deeply mourned, they said. She could not believe what she had just read. Her legs felt weak and she had to sit down. He was always this gentle, helpful, smart and happy boy. She had worked with him on numerous occasions. He was loved by his team mates and doted on by his family. And to her, he was always the pleasant face she loved to see. Surely and strongly, it hit her again, the transience and futility of it all. As she sat there contemplating and trying to digest the news that Monday morning, it was time to get ready for work. It was another seemingly normal day with people to meet and things to be done. Life had to go on, as it always does.

Washed away...

2008-02-24T22:27:00.000-08:00

It had been a long and tiring day, not very different from a lot of other days in the past few months. She walked through the usual route, probably crossing paths with the usual people that she saw every other day. Mothers with their young children in tow, eighteen year olds with other eighteen year olds, old men returning from their day's work and even older women taking their late evening strolls while their younger family members walk ahead of them.
She gazed up at the sky to check for the moon. It was probably the romantic idealist in her that made her look up every once in a while. It was there, nearly round, bright and getting brighter as the sky was turning darker. A gentle smile spread across her face whenever she saw that white circle of borrowed light in the sky.
She got home and sat down in the couch for a while, just catching her breath as she slowly sipped on a glass of orange juice. She was still thinking of the same thing, the same thing she thought of every day. The same thing that was at the back of her mind, no matter what she did or where she went. She decided that a shower would be a good idea, to kill the day's stress and hopefully buy her mind some peace. She took her clothes off hastily, went in and turned on the shower. The water was strong, warm and steady. She turned around to let the warm stream caress the nape of her neck. It was exactly how she always liked it. And then suddenly, all at once, it came from within. As the water smothered her from behind, a warm stream came gushing out of her tired eyes. She couldn't stop and she worried that she may never be able to completely let go. Her heart was wanting what strangely time had decided she could not have. She was battling what she knew at some level to be inevitable and yet, it was a battle she wanted to win. There was however, a strange sense of comfort as she was engulfed by the warmth. The water came down, consistently strong and steady and did well to conceal her tearful sorrow. As the water washed her tears away, she hoped that her pain could be washed away just as quickly.

If only they understood...

2008-01-28T00:09:00.000-08:00

He looked at them quietly, listening to them from behind the trees. These were two of the most wonderful people he knew, both generous, loving, funny and adorable. Yet to each other they showed none of those virtues. He always wondered what changed between them. How did they come to hate each other so much.
The conversation that morning was about who gets to keep the bedroom furniture. Suddenly objects had become objects again. Everything that meant anything at all was desecrated and torn to shreds. All that was left was a fierce need to take possession of the inanimate. And each was desperately trying to do so. They were so consumed by frustration and hatred that they completely forgot he was standing right there, listening to every word. And this was not the first time.
It began eight months ago, the yelling, the bickering and the frequent display of contempt and rage. At first he tried to stop at least one of them. Eventually he realized that they were equally stubborn and that neither person would ever listen to reason. He cried himself to sleep on many nights, when neither came down to tuck him into bed, since they were so busy fighting.
But he still loved them both so very much. Why should he have to choose between two people who loved him so dearly. Although he knew in his heart that they adored him, their lack of showing this affection worried him immensely. His greatest fear had become the fact that they would hate him as much as they hate each other.
At this point they started arguing about who gets to keep him and who can take better care of him. He was on the table now, just like the wardrobe, the bed and the refridgerator. He was being commoditized and they were haggling over him. He couldn't stand there and listen any longer, so he ran up to her and held her hand, tugging at it. In a quick sweep she drew him close, as if to say he now belonged to her and her only. She quickly decided to push the haggling to another day and whisked him away as she began walking. After they walked a considerable distance from the trees and came near the bridge, she decided he needed to be treated to an ice cream. Another commodity to make up for commoditising him. If only ice creams could take care of everything...sigh!

Here today...gone tomorrow.

2008-01-14T00:22:00.000-08:00

He approached the form that was a life not so long ago, that now lay still and no longer called out to him. He would never hear the loving call of his son again, the most precious part of his life as he knew it. He was gone. All those times that he had chided him and not reached out to hold him close, just so he could teach him discipline, now seemed so very futile and he desperately craved for just one breathing moment with a child he loved more than life itself.
As he washed the body of a life that had lived barely ten years in this world, he asked himself and his Creator, "Why him? You could have taken me. He was only ten!" As he anointed the boy and prayers were recited, he tried hard to fight back the deluge that emerged from within. Life as he knew it seemed like a wasted effort. What was he living for? Why should he even go on? He slowly rubbed handfuls of earth onto the blessed boy and piled on the logs that caged him. Alas! He wouldn't fight to come out. No, not this time. Unlike every other time he was caged in his room for misbehaving, where he would somehow manage to crawl out of the window and get away. Why can't he find a way out this time? Why won't he just wake up and escape...escape the burning pyre that will cage him forever.
As he set the pyre alight, his heart cried out in desperation and agony. He knew not a pain such as this before and life as he knew it would never be the same again. It was then that he realized how rarely, if ever, he told his son how much he actually loved him. Chiding him and punishing him were regular features but letting him know that he was loved infinitely was something that never materialized. It was always taken for granted. And now he was gone.
The unalterable truth of losing someone we love is that they will never speak to us in the flesh again. We can never hear them again. We will never know them in quite the same way. They will no longer be there to listen, to scold, to love, to protect, to fight with and to just hold your hand. That is a whole being that just ceases to be. What do you do? You talk to the wind...fight with yourself, scold the world and cry when you want to love them. How do you handle losing someone you cherish so deeply? And yet...death as we all know it is the only certainty of life itself. Why then is it so difficult to deal with an absolute certainty when we battle uncertainties every day of our lives? Why is it so incredibly difficult to accept the inevitable?

The Ultimate Gamble

2008-01-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

Hand in hand they walk in, he holding a camera and she wearing her 'laal chooda', with mehndi reaching up her calves and sindoor as bright as ever. Each pair that you come across is shockingly similar to the one you saw before. Essentially they are all couples of strangers that are on a mission to find love. So little they know of each other and yet tradition makes them wake up beside each other one morning with the realization that they will be waking up together for the rest of their lives, or atleast as long as they choose to or can humanly survive with each other.
Close to home, with Little India round the corner and low air fares every now and then, the land of the Mer Lion has become a popular destination with Desi couples. A four hour flight with a stamp on their passports makes them feel kicked about having their honeymoon on foreign soil. As they sit around eating their dosas and picking at their pappadoms, she makes every effort to understand the brut sitting in front of her while he's probably wondering if his life will ever be the same again. Men for some reason have an inherent fear of being shackled, even though more often than not, their wives are living lives that they dictate and spend every waking minute trying to please their hubbies.
Marriage as we know it is a whole lot more than a 'sacred institution' as it was always referred to by past generations. Today its become the most questioned phenomenon on the planet. How do they do it? Especially when they know zilch about each other. Our grandparents would disagree. Well theirs was another life altogether. Today marrying a stranger is the ultimate gamble 'cause you're gambling with your life. Now gambling is hardly 'sacred' or an 'institution'. Where is all this going, I wonder!

Lost

2007-12-25T21:00:00.000-08:00

The iced coffee was smooth, mildly sweet and subtly refreshing. The pizza was warm and did well to support the stimulating caffeine. There she was, seated in what was objectively an impeccable surrounding, in a strange land none the less, not far from home, but a land that puzzled, thrilled and comforted her in the days that passed. Beyond the glass was a vast expanse of concrete space where man and machine made contact with earth from time to time.
As she sat staring out at everything and nothing in particular, it came to her that this seems a lot more familiar than she'd like to accept it is. There was everything around her and yet there was nothing with her or within her. Life has the uncanny ability to hold your hand and lead you on, nudging you to move forward by blowing your sails in what seems to be the right direction. This, only before a seething storm that leaves you completely unsettled, exhausted and lost. Sitting there, pensive and seemingly nonchalant, there was a battle going on inside her with no casualty except her soul.
Reflecting none of this in her face that faced the world, she was displeased by her emotional response to life's disquitening surprises. She expected herself to handle everything with the poise and strength that the world so generously associated her with, almost forgetting that she was but human and a very sensitive one at that.
She continued to read, page 29 and the book was discussing the cosmic truth of the universe and its inception. She felt a huge void within her, almost as infinite as the space that made up our universe. It was then that she caught herself break into a smile as it was largely amusing how the human soul can so easily feel empty despite everything that makes it whole.