Just another day?

She picked her usual spot with a full view of the tarmack. A glass of hot chocolate with a banana muffin, comfort food at seven in the morning before she boarded for a five hour flight. Today was one of those days when hot chocolate was needed, a masala chai or a latte would just not do it for her. And yes, it was a day for banana muffin and not a salad or a bagel. She was flying out after an oppressive week at work. As she sat there sipping on her cuppa choc, she remembered the first time they had had coffee together. It was at starbucks, he had quipped about how the cups were so large but were never more than half full. And she had condescendingly added, that it was as expected considering that it was infact starbucks. Today seemed different though, her glass was nearly full and her muffin extremely satisfying although her mind was weirdly unsettled. She had this feeling every now and then before something strange happened. She wondered what it was going to be this time around.

Page 69 and Friedman was detailing the strangeness of the Lebanese landscape, when suddenly she was jolted out of her middle eastern imagination by a hand from behind her that threw in a bookmark on her page. Startled and annoyed at the same time, she turned around and annoyance changed to absolute astonishment. Speechless for over a minute, she finally brought herself to ask him what in the world he was doing there, where he was going and where he had been. Too many questions, she did not know where to begin. He smiled at her like he always did, re-assuringly, and went around to sit beside her. They spent the next five minutes in silence, not knowing what to say or how to say it.

Five years, an affair, a sea change in career and many cigarette packs later, he had seen her again. Life had not changed much for her, except that he hadn't been in it and work had taken up so much of her time, she just could not do without it now. They had fought over the same issues too many times, compatability was all too often a bone of contention for them. But was it the fighting that ended it,she had always wondered. He knew why he had done what he did. He had to leave her then, had to take that job in Barcelona, it was everything he had wanted then. Ambition can sometimes take over so entirely, that there is no room left for tenderness and love. But she represented something that he had not seen or felt in years now, a sense of belonging. Sitting there with her brought back all those warm feelings of a perfect life.

She was recalling all the rehearsals she went through for this very day. There was so much she had planned to say to him, she had to give hima piece of her mind, but sitting there across from him, she could not bring herself to speak. Should she have said that he had no right to just walk out on her? Should she have told him how she had completely lost respect for him? Should she have just got up and walked away or should she actually consider putting it all behind her and being kind again. Knowing she had about fifteen minutes to finish this or start it before she boarded, she took another sip of the chocolate...what should she do?

Her cause...

She looked away after what seemed like an eternity. The last twenty minutes had been spent convincing and reminding him of what they had done just the day before. He insisted on visiting the same place again, having no recollection of the fact that they were actually there just yesterday. Yes he had issues like all of us do, his was old age. Her's was dealing with him.

Ironically he was the same person who remembered every little thing twenty six years ago. He' even remind her of things she happily let slip and often chided her for being forgetful.

She stared out of the window as she composed herself and reminded herself to relax. Just then they walked in hand in hand and found seats just across from her. Their hands were interlocked as they shared one set of ear plugs and her head leaned on his shoulder. Not speaking much, but evidently excited about their new found togetherness, this young couple was both amusing and bordering on ridiculous to her eyes.

As she watched them share their moment of dazed excitement, she remembered the magic of her time with him and how far they had come in the last two decades. She still loved him, not quite in the same way or with the same passion, but she did. His was a cause she had signed up for, and she just wasn't a quitter.

Holding back...

Her eyes gave away what she was trying so desperately to hide. Biting her lips hard, holding back what was visibly a barrage of emotions, she sat there squeezing her bag and tensing her shoulders. She was trying hard to put up a strong front. There might have been a cheating husband, a marriage gone bad, a difficult child or a lost love behind this turmoil. Whatever it was, it was the kind that hurt hard and the kind that you couldn't just get over or get rid of overnight.

As she looked up and down, straight at me and then away again, she knew I could see right through her. She knew I could tell, despite her continuous effort to conceal.
She began to purse her lips and bite them in alternation. Her eyes were craving rest and her mind was craving peace. She knew she had to find these herself as they were not going to find her.

There's always an anxiety that comes over you when you realize how visible your pain is and when you can see it through the eyes of another. You feel weak, vulnerable and at some level quite pathetic and this leads to a mounting and unsettling anxiety. Her eyes began to glaze and I could tell she couldn't hold up much longer. I could tell she really needed someone to talk to. She got up at this point to get off at her stop. She looked at me one last time, almost defiantly and then walked out. It was then that it occured to me that she reminded me of someone from not too long ago. As I remembered and looked back, I was taken over by that same unsettling anxiety.

Thoughts and sentiments...

A dear friend once said, 'anyone can love anyone else in this world, it all depends on the time, circumstances and how much they want it'. Two people can go from hating each other to loving each other very quickly and sometimes it's hard to explain why. But how would you explain staying in love with someone forever. Some people just touch our lives in ways that cannot be replaced by others, despite being presented the same circumstances or seemingly the right time.

Relationships are complicated and this is what makes them fundamentally challenging. Some of us shy away from complication for reasons we cannot explain to ourselves, let alone others. Some others have become so intensely occupied with the efforts of self preservation that they have forgotten how to be sensitive to other people. And some of us strangely battle an external acceptance of change and of life's constancy to surprise whilst internally we hold on to the ideals of selfless love where you do anything for the ones you love and will give anything just to see them again. There is so much in life to scale and achieve and each of us creates our own path of adventure as we go along. But sometimes it's important to just stop and take a long hard look at what we really want. Sometimes it's important to make a little more effort to let the people we love know just how much we actually adore them.

Saying goodbye...

He came home that evening, pensive and strangely anxious. The family did not make much of it, but she knew. She knew it was going to happen soon. She was living with them ever since her parents moved away. Her father had been transfered on work and she had another year of college to go. He'd rather she stay at their place, his best friend's house, than shack up in some hostel. So her home for the past six months and the rest of the year would be this one, where she met him, the love of her life. Suddenly coming home to do school work was more exciting than ever. She hung out less with her friends at university and spent more time watching evening television with the family and of course, him. But there was always fear. At the back of her mind she knew they would call one day and he'd have to go. He would have to answer to his country and do the right thing. He knew that too and the one thing he dreaded most was telling her.

That night, after dinner, he asked to sit down with everyone, his parents, two sisters and her. He broke the news to them and held back as each of them expressed their shock and anger that he hadn't mentioned it when he first knew which was a week ago. He had to report the next day at noon and was telling them tonight. In his defence he said that he just couldn't deal with prolonging goodbyes and mounting anxiety. So he had decided to give them very short notice.

She was upset, but knew him too well to expect anything else. If anything, she knew that telling her was the hardest thing for him. So she said goodbye to him like everyone else did and went to bed as usual with his sisters, who she was sharing a room with.

That night, after everyone was asleep, she did something she had never done before. She snuck into his room as quietly as possible. At first, she just stood there for a while and watched him asleep. Then she slowly went near him and stroked her hand lovingly across his cherubic face. He always looked like a baby when he was asleep. He stirred immediately and looked up at her both sad and pleasantly surprised. As she began to speak, he pulled her closer to him and silenced her with a kiss. She got into the blaket with him and they hugged each other so tight, she began to cry. Desperately as she cried that night, she wished she could die right there in his arms, or never have to let him go.

Strange people...strange ways.

He was temperamental, strangely fussy and barely easy if ever. She was patient, understanding and efficient. Theirs was an unusual association. She knew at the end of the day that he means well and he knew at some level that she understood that. Often she discounted his raving and ranting on account of him being older and more experienced. She was always able to see beyond his eccentric exterior and she knew that inside he was just a perfectionist waiting for his perfect world. They had their moments of elation when things went well and when things were more stressful than ever, they pulled together and brought everyone else around as well. More often than not they saw eye to eye on situations and events that really mattered and together they made a great team.

Then one day, she had to leave. She said to him that this was what she had to do, that she had given it a great amount of thought and it was a hard decision for her to make. She explained that it was the right thing for her to do as she had to move on in life. His face fell. Suddenly he seemed twenty years younger. He refused to see why she had to go and was surprised that she was leaving earlier than expected. He behaved like he was being deceived. She was taken aback by his denial of things and his near childish reaction to the situation. She knew he would not be as understanding as the others, but this she didn’t expect.

She was all set to leave. She spent the last day making sure that the wheels were well oiled before she left. Friends shared lighter moments remembering old times whilst wishing her well and hugging her every five minutes. He left unusually early that day without saying goodbye. When she realized he was gone, it was too late. She was hoping he’d at least say goodbye and good luck. She certainly didn’t expect him to be gushing with emotion but this disappearance was totally uncalled for. She expected him to be more mature about the situation. Once again knowing him for what he is, she sent him a text later to say goodbye and how much she would miss everyone. There was no reply. She was appalled by his complete denial of things. She realized though that this was his loss and not hers. She had to move on and she did.

The last ride...

He woke up that morning eager, excited and happy. It was a Sunday. It was his day to do exactly what he wanted and with whom he wanted. He decided to take his new bike out on a longer ride than usual. Out of the city to a nearby resort town to catch up with a few fun friends and lots of interesting conversation. This was the order of the day. Soon, he was on the main link highway going out of the city. His friends had gone ahead of him, two days ago. So on this ride he was all by himself. He quite enjoyed this though, with the wind on his face and cool drops of an impending shower making this journey a lot more romantic. After a week of long hours and stressful chaos, this was exhilerating. He was listening to Maroon 5, to the song his girlfriend used to like. He smiled just thinking of her and remembering some of the great times they'd had together. He was just 6 miles away from the first checkpoint when it happened. There was a sudden turn of scenery. Skin and muscle were ravaged between metal weight and concrete. The last thing he remembered was letting out a desperate screeching cry. He didn't make it past that checkpoint that morning. And he didn't make it to the resort that day....
It was 8 a.m. the next morning. An unforgiving Monday morning, as usual, where getting out of bed feels like you're being sent to the gallows. She was in the shower when she heard a message received on her cell phone. Drying herself a few minutes later, she came to her phone to check the message. They said he was gone. At 25, he was gone, a bike accident on a Sunday morning. He was deeply mourned, they said. She could not believe what she had just read. Her legs felt weak and she had to sit down. He was always this gentle, helpful, smart and happy boy. She had worked with him on numerous occasions. He was loved by his team mates and doted on by his family. And to her, he was always the pleasant face she loved to see. Surely and strongly, it hit her again, the transience and futility of it all. As she sat there contemplating and trying to digest the news that Monday morning, it was time to get ready for work. It was another seemingly normal day with people to meet and things to be done. Life had to go on, as it always does.